Men and predictability.

This post will be a joke. I know this will never come true, that this, like my dream of living at Windsor Castle, will fade away in the deep chasms of "Are you kidding me? That could never happen to you."

I want to meet a guy that is unpredictable. No, not in the bad boy, Hell's Angels way...

I'm talking in the genuine feelings way. Why can't a guy talk to me just because he wants to talk to me...why is it that his phallus is the one that initiates conversation, not him?

I want to be surprised. I am who I am. I am intelligent, independent, silly, very dorky, and I have a big heart. I am not afraid of being myself, and I am so glad that I have people in my life who love me for me, with hearts as big as mine.

What guy wouldn't want to fall in love with that?

I need to thank God for Melanie more often.

Melanie and I have known each other for AGES. more than a decade, less than two, but somewhere in the middle there. She is the one person who I know, through everything, will be at my side...because that's just where she's always been. We fight, we disagree, and you couldn't find two people more different (except for maybe me and Judy). But we love each other, we are honest with each other, and we kick each other in the ass when we need to.

Today, Melanie was discussing declaring her major...and I remembered how simple it was to pick music as my major. For a long time I had a musical identity crisis...I didn't think I wanted to be a musician. I thought I wanted to be an enabler, someone who made it easier for musicians to do what they do best...change people's lives through the beauty of song.

I forgot, somewhere along the way, that I should be changing people's lives through music, not sitting behind a desk somewhere, even if sitting behind that desk meant I could help someone else realize their dreams. What the heck happened to my dreams? When did I become such a coward? I have been through too much in my life to give up my dreams, to run scared from them because the road would be long and hard, and I may fail miserably. Since when has any road worth going down been short and without any bumps?

You might be asking, WHAT does this have to do with Melanie? The other thing about Melanie is she always says what I NEED to hear, even when I don't want to hear it, or even when she doesn't know that what she's saying is what I need to hear. Knowing that Melanie was in the process of realizing her dreams, I remembered today that I love singing, and that I want to write and perform music. I want to do it because its fun, it makes me feel wonderful, and because people love my voice, and I love that. I am re-declaring my dream: I want to sing for a living, until the day I croak.

So I pulled out my old theory books and workbooks, and I'm reviewing the contents as soon as this blog is complete. Wish me luck, and no, I won't forget the little people. I promise.

Fireheads

Somebody's got a long way to go.
You're not sitting by the phone no more.
You're gonna throw it away, crash it on a rock.
Yeah, so you can live your life.

Mmm, are we going crazy?
It's not fair to say we wasted time,
In my view we just used it all up.
It's not fair to say we wasted time,
In my view we just used it all up.

Mmm, what hurts you hurts me too.
I find it hard to make right.
I know I've been a pain lately,
That I failed in every test - oh, I did wrong!

Oh man, what are we seeing here?
Life's changed all!
We share a similar firehead so there's nowhere to go.

Lost change and things I've braved.
Somwhere we got lost and can't be seen.
There's a hard wind blowing down our house,
Once that's gone it can't be found.
I thought you'd keep me warm,
But I was sure I was wrong.

Oh man, what are we seeing here?
This changed all!
We share a similar firehead so there's nowhere to go.
Oh man, what are we seeing here?
Life's changed all!
We share the same firehead so there's nowhere to go.

-Emiliana Torrini

I can't explain how much this song relates to my life...most of you know.

I have discovered that I have grown apart from someone I thought I would have around forever. He was special to me. I wish I could say he still was. Maybe at some point, there was truth to his words and sincerity in his actions. I can't tell you when, I can't tell you what moment was true and what moment was do get something from me.

I don't believe in him anymore, and at the same time, I believe in myself more than ever. Its odd. Its like I was letting him hold me back and be less than myself, when in reality, I am 20 times the person he is.

"So you can live your life..."