Men and predictability.

This post will be a joke. I know this will never come true, that this, like my dream of living at Windsor Castle, will fade away in the deep chasms of "Are you kidding me? That could never happen to you."

I want to meet a guy that is unpredictable. No, not in the bad boy, Hell's Angels way...

I'm talking in the genuine feelings way. Why can't a guy talk to me just because he wants to talk to me...why is it that his phallus is the one that initiates conversation, not him?

I want to be surprised. I am who I am. I am intelligent, independent, silly, very dorky, and I have a big heart. I am not afraid of being myself, and I am so glad that I have people in my life who love me for me, with hearts as big as mine.

What guy wouldn't want to fall in love with that?

I need to thank God for Melanie more often.

Melanie and I have known each other for AGES. more than a decade, less than two, but somewhere in the middle there. She is the one person who I know, through everything, will be at my side...because that's just where she's always been. We fight, we disagree, and you couldn't find two people more different (except for maybe me and Judy). But we love each other, we are honest with each other, and we kick each other in the ass when we need to.

Today, Melanie was discussing declaring her major...and I remembered how simple it was to pick music as my major. For a long time I had a musical identity crisis...I didn't think I wanted to be a musician. I thought I wanted to be an enabler, someone who made it easier for musicians to do what they do best...change people's lives through the beauty of song.

I forgot, somewhere along the way, that I should be changing people's lives through music, not sitting behind a desk somewhere, even if sitting behind that desk meant I could help someone else realize their dreams. What the heck happened to my dreams? When did I become such a coward? I have been through too much in my life to give up my dreams, to run scared from them because the road would be long and hard, and I may fail miserably. Since when has any road worth going down been short and without any bumps?

You might be asking, WHAT does this have to do with Melanie? The other thing about Melanie is she always says what I NEED to hear, even when I don't want to hear it, or even when she doesn't know that what she's saying is what I need to hear. Knowing that Melanie was in the process of realizing her dreams, I remembered today that I love singing, and that I want to write and perform music. I want to do it because its fun, it makes me feel wonderful, and because people love my voice, and I love that. I am re-declaring my dream: I want to sing for a living, until the day I croak.

So I pulled out my old theory books and workbooks, and I'm reviewing the contents as soon as this blog is complete. Wish me luck, and no, I won't forget the little people. I promise.

Fireheads

Somebody's got a long way to go.
You're not sitting by the phone no more.
You're gonna throw it away, crash it on a rock.
Yeah, so you can live your life.

Mmm, are we going crazy?
It's not fair to say we wasted time,
In my view we just used it all up.
It's not fair to say we wasted time,
In my view we just used it all up.

Mmm, what hurts you hurts me too.
I find it hard to make right.
I know I've been a pain lately,
That I failed in every test - oh, I did wrong!

Oh man, what are we seeing here?
Life's changed all!
We share a similar firehead so there's nowhere to go.

Lost change and things I've braved.
Somwhere we got lost and can't be seen.
There's a hard wind blowing down our house,
Once that's gone it can't be found.
I thought you'd keep me warm,
But I was sure I was wrong.

Oh man, what are we seeing here?
This changed all!
We share a similar firehead so there's nowhere to go.
Oh man, what are we seeing here?
Life's changed all!
We share the same firehead so there's nowhere to go.

-Emiliana Torrini

I can't explain how much this song relates to my life...most of you know.

I have discovered that I have grown apart from someone I thought I would have around forever. He was special to me. I wish I could say he still was. Maybe at some point, there was truth to his words and sincerity in his actions. I can't tell you when, I can't tell you what moment was true and what moment was do get something from me.

I don't believe in him anymore, and at the same time, I believe in myself more than ever. Its odd. Its like I was letting him hold me back and be less than myself, when in reality, I am 20 times the person he is.

"So you can live your life..."

Home.

For the past 3 years or so, I have been, in a sense, homeless. I mean, I've had a roof over my head, but I haven't felt at home in my apartment. I've been spending the day rearranging furniture, vaccuming, and doing stuff that I usually don't do. Maybe its out of a desire to make my "house" a "home." Maybe I just decided that I need to find home wherever I am, and not just wait for life to start.

Maybe I just want to feel like I felt when my grandmother was alive, and how every room, every inch of her house, orange shag carpet and all, felt like home. I can argue that it was because she was there, but it wasn't just that...she's with me all the time, and I still have my dad...

And then I realized that home isn't because of anyone around you, the people in your home don't make it a home...its within you to make your house, your apartment, your RV, the place you are okay being yourself in.

Well, Kitty likes it. He's exploring and seeing what the hell I did...Dad will like it too. And I have the most beautiful spot for the Christmas tree too. :-)

Playing for Change

So there's this project called Playing for Change...

These guys went all over the world and recorded people playing the same song, singing the same song...inspired by the first guy you see in the video.

They showed this video at the Starbucks Leadership Conference...my manager met these guys...this is so amazing...and it was so meaningful to watch this video...

I love my job...and some days its hard, it has been lately especially, but then I see things like this...and I realize how amazing the world is, and that my company effects people EVERYWHERE. And I couldn't have asked to work anywhere better.

Can't sleep....

I can't really sleep, even though I need to.

Mel's grandfather died last night. He's been sick for a while now...Melanie seems okay, but I don't know, we'll see what Wednesday and Thursday bring. Later in his life, they didn't always agree, but I know he loved her, and I know all he wanted was for her to do what made her happy.

Strange. Tomorrow will be an interesting day. I really don't think it matters too much who wins the election, though many of you will agree with me. Most of the time, their agendas are thrown out the window, at least most of their agenda. There will be some changes, but both of these candidates have the potential to screw it up, or be the greatest president since FDR.

Whoever wins tomorrow is going to have more on their plate than meets the eye. I have always said, there is no way to know what the office will bring you. Either man will face challenge, and will have to bend so as not to break.

We are a country of evolution, our founding fathers made it that way. The Constitution is beautiful....weird of me to say, but its my favorite political document. Seriously.

Okay, now I'm tired.

Random Crap 10/28/08

• Sleep is nice. Very very nice.
• The guy that comes to check my furnace for carbon monoxide is NOT very nice.
• I am going to love this weekend, yay for Dia De Los Muertos Festivals in Las Cruces!
• I thiiiiink I have a crush.
• Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to listen to The Juliet Letters by Elvis Costello and the Brodsky String Quartet....wow!

This is pretty frequent....when I would blog on the shithole known as myspace, I did these a lot, and they are fun and silly. Enjoy.